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Dripping with alchemy [Mar. 7th, 2009|04:35 pm]
[Music to my ears |Yeah Yeah Yeahs]

In my quest to find something interesting in my life I am going to try making posts more often.

The new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album is very very good. I recommend it! The first two songs have a Goldfrapp a la Black Cherry/Supernatural feel. And the rest has a nice slow chill vibe to it...Best songs: Hysteric and Zero

Work kinda really blows. There is so much favoritism and fishy things going on in leadership it just seems pointless to bust my ass everyday trying to look good. I like how I've been told several times by leadership I'm the best out there and yet I still feel like my best chances of moving up are to transfer. But I can't do that. Even if I wasn't in a relationship here I wouldn't want to leave. I know I may bitch a lot about work (doesn't everybody) but I'm getting sick of people telling me work is more important than a relationship. I do not want to be one of those people who put work first. I will never be. I spent long enough finding the right guy.

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Punishment in Higher Places [Mar. 3rd, 2009|06:36 pm]
[Music to my ears |The Rapture]

Umm yeah. I miss college. I miss doing things. I need a hobby. I need to have something other than work to think about everyday. I work my ass off at work and I wish I got the recognition I deserve. I can't seem to make myself do anything anymore. I'm so frustrated with my roommate. I can't wait to be able to afford to live on my own. One of these days I'm going to snap at her.

I actually really miss making LJ posts. I used to have so many interesting things to talk about. And it doesn't even matter if other people thinks it's interesting because honestly some of ya'll posts are not interesting. But it's fine. Because it's a way to express yourself even if nobody else cares. I wish I could do that. I don't even find myself interesting anymore. I need to be interesting.

But I have kinda make 2 friends recently. Both named Sean. One is my new roommate. (I have two roommates) Hopefully this will help. I never liked trying to make friends. It's so much easier when it just happens. But of course that doesn't really happen after college.
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(no subject) [Jan. 9th, 2009|10:05 pm]
I've come to realize I don't know how to be in relationship. Every relationship I have I get around the six month mark and realize they are not exactly who I want them to be. This one has been different. But only how I feel about him. I'm crazy about him, which is probably also why I'm most disappointed than any other. If this doesn't work I have nothing to fall back on. This isn't college anymore. I don't have a million friends to hang out with. I don't have any friends. It's just him and I. I feel like i've sacrificed so much to be with him. I have. I got another job 30 minutes away to be with him. That amongst many other things I've given up makes me wonder if it's really worth it. He's made me a better person and I like who I am when I'm with him. For the most part. But even though I've grown out of my youthful college days I still want to go out once in a blue moon and do something besides sit and home and watch a movie and take 2 hours decides on what to do or what to eat and then give up don't do anything. When we do go out I feel like he is only going because I or someone else wants to go and is dragging him. I want to do something that he wants to do. And not watching a movie, or spending two hours petting his cats. I want to know his biggest most deepest desire and I want to do it with him. I want him to tell me something. Tell me what he feels. Because I honestly have never heard him tell me how he feels, besides that he has a headache or back pains. He's never even told me how he feels about us, about me. He's never said anything nice about me, not that he says not nice things about me. But I don't feel special. I don't even feel liked. Sometimes I think the age difference is a problem even though I no it shouldn't be. And even though I feel like there are so many problems in this relationship I have never wanted to try to fix them in a relationship until now. I want to talk to him but I don't know how. I was never good at communication. I want to tell him how I feel and I want him to want to fix it.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2008|02:27 pm]
So this was kinda interesting. I went to make a new text message and with every letter and number I wrote down what my phone has stored using the T9 method. So my sentence would be

And Beginning City 24hr Estelle For 3D Dunellen I'm 4Real Getty Happy Jersey Kathyrn Leachman 5th One 6th Michelle New One She 7th Played Question Romy Un Very 8Ball To You Zone 9th Were Xbox.

So those are apparently the recent words I've texts....lol
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(no subject) [May. 2nd, 2008|09:57 pm]
I have starting typing shit every couple days on here and then i just end up deleting it. I haven't posted an entry in forever. I don't know what to say anymore. I've become quiet. Don't really talk to anyone. I have become very cynical. Pretty much don't talk to anyone from St Augustine. A few people but not many. I just don't feel like being the one that's in charge of keeping touch. I tried that for years with my Palm Harbor friends but I think long distance friendship is harder than a long distance relationship.

I can't wait to start at the new Whole Foods. I so hope I get it. Interview didn't go as I hoped. But if I get it, it will be a great new start for me. I like everyone I work with but I also hate them in a way. Working and living with friends is tough. And it's hard to be positive when I've had one thing on my mind for the past 3 months. Hopefully when I get to be able to stop worrying about it, I'll be less hateful. But you never know.

I just went thru all my old posts. I don't even like myself anymore. Or at least my old self. I want to say something. One day I just want to be able to put my thoughts and words together correctly. I want to say something meaningful. Because I know in my head I know what the hell I am talking about.

Anyway. Yeah. I don't know what the post did for me but I was tired of saying things and deleting it before I posted it. I guess it was good. I hate some pretty hateful things to say. But isn't that what this is for?
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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2007|12:51 am]
Today was the best day I've had since I moved her. Phone was on silent so I missed the 9 calls I had and woke up at 1. I got a call from Whole Foods and I went in a did some more paperwork. They promised I'll be working by the end of the this week. I went from Whole Foods straight to Downtown Disney. Met up with Jon and his boy. We went to MGM where I went on the Tower of Terror for the first time ever. And then just Jon and I went to Magic Kingdom for the first time in about 15 years. It was magical. Went on Space Mountain for the first time ever. So fun. I sat in the front seat and was holding my head the entire time, like something would hit it if I didn't. Screamed and laughed so much. We walked around a bunch and did Splash Mountain which I've never been on and also the Runaway Train thingy. We then made it to Cinderella's Castle for "Wishes", the firework show. I felt like a kid again. It was so great. Best firework show I've ever seen.

Now I am watching Dexter, the Showtime series. Michael C Hall is sexy and such a different role than Six Feet Under. I watched a whole Disc of the first season of House today too. I have watched so many TV shows on DVD lately. I can't wait for all these new shows to start. Tomorrow is America's Next Top Model. Then there is Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives.

After wacthing all these hospital dramas I'm becoming a bit of a hypocondriac. Though I have always been one of those people to expect to die of some crazy rare disease. I just hate hospitals so even if I totally believed I was dying I would never find out. I also realized that I am just quite paranoid about all things. I was expecting every rollar coaster to fly off its track, for cinderella's castle to be bombed, and I even thought the boat behind us on Splash Mountain was going to catch up to us and hit us from behind after the big drop. I don't necessarily believe it will happen but it runs through my head. EVERYTHING is like that for me. Sitting right here at my computer I am imagining the fan falling out of the ceiling and chopping my head off. Something is obviously wrong with me.
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2007|08:25 pm]
so what's new with me.....

still no job. been going to the gym a lot. last time i weighed myself i was 160. now i'm 174. dont know how that happened. finished watcing 24, now im addicted to heroes. ive been making myself a nice dinner everynight. tonight is grilled chicken, mashed pototoes and string beans. though of course i go out drinking a lot. but what else are you supposed to do when you've been unemployeed for 5 weeks? i finaly started writing agaiin. first time ive actually had a whole script idea in my head. and yeah.....thats about it. i sleep til like 12-3 everyday. can't go to sleep before two am. and im really enjoying my new iMac. im bored so people better start visiting me.
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2007|02:43 am]
please dont let me have gotten my hopes up for nothing.
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2007|02:34 pm]
i miss when nick at nite was all black and white.

they are playing home improvement now on it. What happened to I Love Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore, and Bewitched?
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(no subject) [Aug. 21st, 2007|09:30 pm]
So I can't find a job for the life of me. Nobody is hiring and it's pissing me off. I'm gonna be broke soon and I can't live off my credit card until November when the film job starts.

I got a gym membership today. Something to keep me occupied. Hopefully i'll be all toned and sexy soon. I get unlimited tanning so hopefully i can tan my pale ass.

I'm watching cable in my bedroom. I haven't had cable in my bedroom in years. I keep forgetting. It's amazing. I rented 4 movies today and i don't wanna watch them because there are 75 channels of excitement. So of course I'm watching Independence Day. Something I've seen a million times. I could be watching a new movie that I actually paid for, but just knowing I have all these choices on the tv is fun.
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